I'm probably going to die today.
No seriously, I've watched enough movies and read enough books to know that if enough good things happen to you, you're going to die soon. Even Charlotte from Sex and the City knew it when she said "nobody gets everything they want," in the first (and only one that matters) SATC movie.
Nobody gets everything they want. When everything looks good, WATCH YOUR BACK, CHARLOTTE. Stay with me. Let's look at the facts:
- My husband of six years just took me back after a very rough 6-month breakup caused by some very bad decisions that I made during a very rough time in our lives. We've been "dating" for a few weeks now and everything seems to be going well — we're laughing, we're sharing space outside of pickups and drop-offs of our son, we're touching body parts without recoil, we're staring deeply into each other's eyes for long periods of time and it almost seems like we can see past the pain the last year has brought us. It seems like we're healing. It almost seems like we're moving forward.
- I got a job offer at an incredible (and incredibly well-respected) company that comes along with a 30% increase in pay, my own office, and a killer title that someone at the age of 35-years-young would never have expected, especially since I didn't graduate college. I am, as they say, a self-made woman and yes, worked hard for this achievement but didn't see it coming.
- I was told by the leadership at my toddler's daycare that he is "the brightest little star in the class." I mean, I'm not surprised by this (obviously, see above), but it just proves that we have Parenting. In. The. Bag.
- The last three times I've called an Uber it has arrived in two minutes or less.
- I went wine tasting last weekend and got far more wine than was on the menu, including an entire pour of a $185 dollar bottle that I can now afford with my new salary. Maybe I'll go back and get it and enjoy the whole thing myself since I'll be dead soon.
- My mobile provider called me today saying they found a $60-per-month overcharge error on my bill and will credit me post-haste to the tune of $900. What world am I living in?
- I'm pretty sure that if I bought a Lottery ticket tomorrow I'd win the jackpot. This isn't a fact of course, but an assumption. However, given the previous facts in this list, it's almost a sure thing.
I know what you're thinking. "Girl, you could just be on a seriously good luck streak" or that it's great karma from all of those book donations and spare change handouts and volunteer hours I've put in over the years, but let me tell you something: it's not.
Those bad decisions I mentioned earlier? They were really bad. I hurt people. People I love the most. And while I repented, and I grieved the person I thought I was, and accepted the person I had become in order to transform into the person I am now, it doesn't seem like a fair shake. Sure, you might think that process of realization and transformation is worthy of some good luck (it wasn't easy, I'll tell you that much), but now that I'm tallying up all the good marks that are placing themselves at my feet, I'm scared.
Because like I said, I've seen enough movies. I've read enough books to know that no one gets everything they want and there's usually a train, a speeding car, or some psycho with a gun lurking around the corner waiting to shoot up some mall that I'm shopping in. Although, I don't shop at malls so that one's a bit of a stretch.
I will just say that if I'm not here tomorrow, know this: it's been a crazy ride and I loved my life, even the parts that were hardest because I knew love. I knew friendship. I knew joy and pain and how they co-exist in ones heart. So if tomorrow is my last, I'll live tonight like there's no tomorrow.